Without A Word
by peculiaris
Summary: It's been a decade and a half and she still haven't got the explanation or the closure she deserves. Seeing her again brought back memories she thought she was able to compartmentalize. Can she finally get the answers that she had been waiting for 15 years? Or things will turnout different the way she never imagined. but... things are already different now.. is it not? HIATUS
1. Chapter 1

**Hi! This is my second Rizzles fanfic and I know some people were asking for a follow up of the story but I apologize to everyone but I wouldn't make a follow up of it. Sorry!**

**Anyways, I got my inspiration on writing this fic after watching a Filipino film called "Starting Over Again" although I used some of the lines and scene from the movie, it'll be a lot more different from it. I was caught with the scenes from it that I can't help but picturing Rizzles as them. **

**Disclaimer: Rizzoli &amp; Isles characters and story is not mine. I don't gain from writing this aside from new friends' maybe. And "starting over again" lines and story is not mine as well.. Also, Mistakes are mine :)**

**Here it is! **

* * *

"Maura Isles! I love you!" A shout was heard from the corridor of the High School. It was from a deep husky voice of the fifteen years old Jane Rizzoli. If you weren't listening to it closely, you would have thought that the voice belongs to a young man because of its huskiness and deepness. She had been shouting the name of Maura Isles ever since she caught a glimpse of the girl in question—no, not really. She had a glimpse of Maura a week after the honey blonde transferred from the boring old boarding school she was in. Jane was walking with her best friend, Emma when she saw her. She has this finesse on her that made her looked like she didn't belong in an institution of poor kids.

Maura Isles clearly captivated Jane Rizzoli.

Jane then searched everything about her. As she found interesting facts about the transferee, the more she seemed to be drawn with the woman. She honestly didn't know what to do, all she know is that weirdly enough, she fell in love with one Maura Dorothea Isles.

Therefore, she made it a habit to shout her name in the corridor, gymnasium, cafeteria, and any other place full of people where the woman can't see her. It was a habit, but at the same time, her nerves makes it difficult for her to actually talk to the woman she fancied for quite some time.

With the last shout, Jane felt satisfaction run through her veins. She didn't actually saw if Maura heard her or if Maura turned around to see who was calling her name and saying those three words that she was oddly familiar with.

All that matters is that, Jane let it out again. And it felt good.

She turned around and saw Maura leaning on the wall with all of her glory. The rays of the sun were entering the hall and it made it look like she was an angel smirking at her.

She was caught.

She was about to move but Maura moved towards the place where she was going. To Emma, who has the mixed of embarrassment and teasing glint on her face.

"Finally, Miss Rizzoli." Maura stated.

Jane was floored. She smiled at Maura timidly, showing her dimples as if it will save her from embarrassment.

* * *

_The first time I met you, I didn't like you. It felt like someone was telling me that you are nothing but a severe headache. That, you're nothing but a trickster who loves to shout people's name in the corridor for fun._

* * *

The calling of name stopped.

Jane almost died of embarrassment when Maura saw her on the corridor after the incident. Therefore, she stopped running around and shouting about an undying love for the woman that caught her heart. Every time she see the woman in the corridor, she would just smile and if Maura was looking, she would mouth "I love you"—sometimes it is with hand signals. Maura would just shook her head at the gestures.

It was a lost cause.

She knew it and it wouldn't change anything at all.

The woman was on a pedestal and Jane was like a peasant admiring the beauty of the goddess that was above her. More than anything else, she wants to be _above_ her.

Jane shook her head at the thought. Although, it was interesting enough the thought of a woman wearing nothing but her is a nice idea.

"Stop day dreaming, you perve!" Emma threw a piece of paper on her face. She didn't noticed it but she was grinning so big that it makes Emma want to vomit. "I didn't know you're that much of a lesbian, Rizzoli. Looking at women like they're fresh meat. Wow!" Emma commented.

They were currently sitting under the bleachers watching the football team practice, though, their line of sight were more focus on the cheering squad.

"No, I'm not a lesbian, you idiot." She denied.

"Oh yeah? Then why watch the tight-ass cheer dancers then?" Emma countered.

"I wasn't looking at those bitches." She said.

Emma looked at her confusedly and looked at the ladies again. She didn't see anything.

"Then what are you looking at?"

"Her." She just said. Nodding towards the cheer group once again.

Emma narrowed her eyes, looking for something she doesn't actually know. She was about to give up when she saw her.

Of course.

Maura Isles was on the bleachers, reading god knows what.

"And you say you are not a lesbian." She commented at her friend who was still looking dreamily at the woman who was too engage with her books to even feel what is happening around her.

"No. More like Maura-sexual." She said.

* * *

Jane was waiting outside the Chemistry Laboratory for Maura. She didn't exactly know what she was about to do. All she knew is that, she wanted to do this. It is a proposal and if she didn't answer, so be it. No, it doesn't mean she'll stop trying.

The bell rung.

Students from the chem. Lab were slowly leaving the room, she nodded at some who would look at her with smirks on their faces, knowing that she would be talking to the geek of the class. The last one to exit was the teacher who gave her a nod.

"She's there. Be quick. You have at least fifteen minutes to finish what you're doing to do." And with that, the teacher exited hallway.

"Did you know that it takes ninety seconds and four minutes to decide if you fancy someone?" she started. Startling the honey blonde that was so focused on her microscope that she didn't noticed that she has company.

"Research has shown this has little to do with what is said, rather fifty five percent is through body language. Thirty-eight is the tone and speed of their voice and only seven percent is through what they say. Helen Fisher of Rutgers University in the states has proposed three stages of love—lust, attraction, and attachment. Each stage might be driven by different hormones and chemicals. The first stage which is lust is driven by the sex hormones testosterone and estrogen- in both men and women. When I first saw you, I knew I liked you. You have this certain aura that makes me want to hug you, kiss you, and just be with you but aside from it, I know that my hormones were trying to say that I have to tap that. With all due respect." She paused and grinned at the woman who was looking at her questioningly.

"Stage two, Attraction. Did you know that scientist think that three main neurotransmitters are involved in this stage? They are adrenaline, dopamine, and serotonin. Every time I see you, I could feel adrenaline rushing through my veins, my hands starts to sweat, my heart races and my mouth goes dry. I don't need to have my brain to be examine to discover that I have high levels of the dopamine. Because, I can't sleep thinking about you—as cheesy as it sounds, it's true. And finally, you are everywhere. I am not talking about physically but mentally. You've been popping in my head even when I'm trying to brush my teeth or eat corndogs during lunch." She said breathing deeply

"Corndogs are not healthy, Miss Rizzoli." Jane chuckled at the response. She continued.

"and lastly, attachment. I haven't gone to that stage yet because we aren't together… yet. But one thing is for sure, if we ever become a couple, I know… I wouldn't want anybody else. I would gladly stick with you till the end, even if it means I have to handcuff myself to you." She smiled.

"All I am saying is that, I know how you want to put everything into research. You don't believe things unless you have through roughly researched it. I am just proving a point Maura. I've searched about the science of love and that's what I've got so close to, to explain how I feel. I believe that if you have to say something, you have to do it fast."

"What are you saying, Miss Rizzoli?" Maura asked.

"You are by far the dumbest genius I ever know." Jane commented but upon seeing the fallen face of Maura, she immediately tried to revive herself. "What I am saying is that. I love you. I am in love with you, Maura Dorothea Isles. And today, February 14, 1996 marks the start of our romance. Happy Valentine's Day, Maura." She said giving the white tiger lily that she bought for Maura. "Next year, it's gonna be 'Happy Anniversary', okay?" She said coyly before leaving.

Maura, smiled at the absurdity of the situation but rather than that, flattered with the gesture from the woman.

* * *

_But then, I knew there is something special on you. You have that spirit._

* * *

Jane and Emma were walking down the halls when she found Martinez trying to punch a gay kid on the corridors. He was roughly shoving the kid on the lockers. Emma held Jane back knowing how she hate the guy but she wasn't able to do anything when Jane shrugged her hand and add herself on the duo.

"Martinez!" Jane shouted.

"Oh.. if isn't Gayzzoli! Trying to fight for the gay?" He sneers.

"No. You just have to stop." She said calmly.

"or what? you'll punch me? Unless, your girlfriend asked you not to be violent." He said.

"I don't have a girlfriend." She said abruptly.

"So, you wouldn't mind if I tap Isles? I'm sure she's tight." He said. What he didn't saw was the steam coming off from Jane. She punched her square on the face. She locked him by putting his hand on his back but he was strong. He was able to escape the hold and punched on the face.

"You know, I don't normally punch girls. Oh, but you are not a girl." He said before trying to punch her again. He is strong but Jane is faster. She was able to maneuver and dodge the attack. She was able kick him behind his knee. It wasn't that much but it was able make him kneel.

"Stop bothering the kids you asshole!" she said before walking away from the scene. Martinez was about to jump on her again when he was shoved on the lockers by a big guy from the football team. It was the kid's brother.

"Thanks." The guy said.

Jane just raised her hand acknowledging the gratitude.

She was about to exit and walked toward Emma when someone help her hand and pull her towards an empty room. She was about to yank the hand when it spoke.

"Are you that drastic, Miss Rizzoli?"

"Jane." She said.

"What?"

"My name is Jane." She said wiping the blood from her lips when she taste iron on it.

"Don't touch it. It'll be infected. Why did you do it?" She asked quietly whilst cleaning the wound with cotton and alcohol.

"I don't know. I guess, I just don't want people hurting other people. I lived with my mother and was left by my father I live with her and my brothers. I know the psychological effect of things when don't go your way. That kid is a gay, he lived in a Catholic family for a while, they were homophobe just like Martinez. He was a foster kid and they didn't want him. It was bad enough that he was treated like that from before, it was a good thing that he was able to find a family with Zac—the big guy. I don't like it when people try to inflict pain to others just because they want to." She explain

"Thank you." Maura said quietly.

"For what?" asked confusedly.

"Defending me." She replied shortly.

"I love you. Isn't that reason enough?" she asked arching her brow.

"But you said you are not gay."

"I'm not and I know I'll burn to hell if I'll be one. Catholic teachings." She said.

"Aren't you afraid?"

"I am…" she said.

"But you love me." Maura replied as she put the plaster on Jane's wound.

"You can't help who you love." She stood up and thanked Maura. She was on the door when she looked back.

"Plus, I'm Maura-sexual" She said before leaving.

* * *

_You made me admire you more when you let me see your world._

_You are by far the bravest girl I've ever met. _

_Days… weeks… months passed_

_I don't know because you opened your heart to me; I don't know what worked more for you, your persistence or your prayers. I think it is because you prayed so hard, being a devoted Catholic makes you do that. I wouldn't know because I am not one._

* * *

Jane was crying on the stare cases of the gymnasium when Maura saw her. It wasn't like her to actually show to people that she is crying. But today is different. Being rejected sucks.

Maura opened the door of her car and called Jane. She opened the passenger side of the car and let Jane enter. They were sitting quietly when Maura started reading the letter that she found on her locker after her last class…

"That's why, I'm giving myself a dead line. And that's on my last Christmas on the campus. I've put this letter today, November 25 for you to read and for you to know." Maura continue reading. "It's today. So, I have ultimatum?" Maura smirked.

"Actually, it's until December 25." Jane said quietly.

"ahhhh" Maura chuckled. "Here, this is my favourite part of the letter: 'they say: Give love on Christmas day. So, give me love, Ms. Isles. But if you feel nothing for me, just tell, how do I unlove you?'" she finished sweetly.

Jane looked at her sadly. She breathed deeply before replying.

"Please Maura, if you will reject me, can you not do it today?" she said with a timid voice. "because it will be my second rejection. It's too painful already."

"You got rejected?" Maura asked concerned.

Jane nodded.

"I got my BCU letter today. I didn't get it. They said, it was because of financial problems," She said before started crying again. Maura immediately got some tissues from the dashboard to give it to Jane.

"Well, it's their lost. If they didn't want you there, why waste your time from crying. There are many other schools to look at. I'm sure, they're going to regret the fact that they did not want you, once you became successful. And, for me, you don't need to be in a prestigious school for me to fall in love with you." Maura finished with a sweet smile and adoring eyes that stares at the profile of the crying Italian.

Jane stopped crying.

"I don't want you to unlove me, Ms. Rizzoli."

"what?" Jane asked dumbly.

"Because I love you." She stated.

Jane looked like she didn't know what to do. She was on the verge of hyperventilating and passing out.

"Y-you love me?" Jane asked skeptically.

Maura nodded.

"Y-you are my g-girlfriend?" she asked with wide eyes.

"yes."

"I-I am your girlfriend?" She asked. Maura stared at her amusedly. It was as though she finds it really funny and at the same time, she can't help but think how adorable Jane was for asking these questions to her.

"yes." She answered coyly.

"Fuck! Shit!" Jane shouted and it made Maura grimaced at the foul words from the girl. "Thank you! Merry Christmas!" Jane hysterically shouted. And Maura smiled at her trying to make herself calm and not laugh at the reaction she was seeing.

"I love you! I love you! I love you! If you only knew!" There it was again, the shouting of I love you's but this time, it was directed to the woman Jane loved for so long. She was shaking the other woman who was smiling brightly at her. "I might kiss you now!" She said aloud.

"I can kiss you right?" she asked thinking that she still can't.

"yes." Maura said.

Jane leaned and slowly captured the It was as soft as she imagined but it was different from what she had dreamt for so long. This is the first time she was able to experience this kind of euphoria. Touching Maura's lips felt like the heavens opened their gate and the angels above were playing a soft symphony. She then, felt like her senses were misted up and all that's left is to feel. Feel Maura's hands trying to weave on her messy tresses soothing her nerves. Feel the soft tongue that slowly pushed past her lips. She nipped at Maura's bottom lip before pushing her tongue back into her mouth. Maura, ever slowly dragging her other hand to Jane's cheek and caress it with care. The delicate contact made her feel something she hasn't felt before.

**Loved.**

* * *

_More than two years and I thought we were good. More than two years going on forever… or so I thought. I don't know why or how…or when it started. What happened to the two of us? Why did we break up? Why did you leave me?_

_But today, I resolve to stop bothering you. I have decided to let you be. And give you the space that you asked for. I am uncertain if you'll be able to read this letter but I'll be leaving for Paris. My mother asked me to be with her and study Forensic Pathology there. Just like I promised you. I'll be a medical examiner and you'll be a detective. We will both find solutions to every case that we handle. Although now, I am not sure if we will ever see each other again._

_I do not know if you'll be back in my life… but I wanted to be in yours. _

_I will do anything to win you back if life wants me to. And I am hoping that we will have our second chance._

_All the love,_

_M. Isles._

* * *

**So, what do you guys think?**

**Prologue starts with high school Rizzles, but the next one will be couple of years after the letter.**

**Oh.. at some point during the course of writing this I listened to Birdy's Without A Word, hence the title. :)**


	2. Chapter 2

**Hello guys! Thank you for all the follows and comments.. I deeply appreciated it!**

**Guest: haha hindi, di ko gagawin yung ending na ganun sa Rizzles.**

**Anyways, I finished this chapter 2am last night and didn't had the chance to edit and all.. :D**

**So, Rizzoli and Isles is still not mine. not ever.**

* * *

_A decade and a half later..._

* * *

_All the love,_

_M. Isles_

It has been a decade and a half. Seeing the letter brought back memories that Jane thought she kept hidden in a cold storage. She didn't noticed that tears were falling from her eyes, she didn't know that this could still affect her.

She thought she could escape the memories. She thought she could just go on her life and pretend that things didn't happened.

That she moved on.

But one letter.

One letter that was written to her a decade a half made her feel guilty and miserable as hell.

She was an ass. She still is.

* * *

_Sunday evening when she saw the letter. It fell off from an old chemistry book that she knew she didn't own. At first she thought the book was Tommy's since the kid is one hell of a bright mind but when he asked him, he told her that it wasn't his._

_It wasn't until she saw the initials on the book._

_M. I._

_It belonged to only one person._

_Maura Isles._

_The woman she left._

_She then asked her mom about the letter. She even accused her of hiding the letter to her._

_Angela denied it._

_Of course she didn't. She told Jane that she gave the letter to her when she returned from her run. It was one chilly morning when Maura dropped by and gave the letter to Angela. The woman loved Maura so dearly like her own, she even asked if she wanted a breakfast because she cooked but oddly, Maura declined._

_Angela never knew the nature of her daughter and Maura's, all she knew is that there was something different about them, however, she didn't dare to ask. After leaving the letter, Maura politely bid goodbye to the Mama Rizzoli. _

_When Jane entered the house that time, Angela immediately gave the letter to her. Jane has a mixed of disbelief and dread on her face when she learned who gave the letter._

"_**Where is she mom?" She asked.**_

"_**She left immediately after she gave the letter. She even declined the breakfast that I made. What happened Jane?"**_

_Jane didn't answer the question. _

_She never did._

_Angela continued the story and said that Jane abruptly grab the letter from the table top and run towards her room. Angela even commented about how it was rude for Jane to turn her back on her own Mom, to which of course Jane answered with an eyeroll._

_Jane then remembered going to her room and read the letter immediately, she felt she was on fire. Something told her that, what she was about to read will change everything, but she also remembered getting a phone call asking her to accompany a police in patrolling for that day, she just gotten the rookie position that time, meaning, she can't say no and that the letter can wait._

_That was when she remembered seeing the book on laying on her desk tuck the letter in and when she went home that night, she saw the book and shook her head._

_It was time to let go._

_And it will start with all of the tangible things._

_She forgot about the letter._

_She put the book inside her drawer. She didn't noticed the white envelope sticking a bit from the damn Chemistry book. All what was on her mind was the feeling of tiredness from the shift and that seeing the book made her want to curl up on her bed and cry because of remorse. Seeing the book made her feel like an ass for giving up something she never wanted to give up. _

_Ever._

_But she did it anyways._

_The letter was long forgotten._

_So as the memories she thought she forgot._

* * *

"You okay in there?"

Jane didn't noticed that someone entered the little apartment she was living in. She was too focused on the neat and legible handwriting of Maura Isles.

"No. I don't think I was ever okay." She said absentmindedly.

"What happened?" The intruder asked.

"Got a fifteen year old letter." She said showing the one-page handwritten letter. It was immediately snatch by the person and read it silently. Jane was looking at the person waiting for a comment on how she was an ass and that she should be put in jail for causing pain to a person.

"Wow!" was all she heard and saw the big green eyes of her companion grew bigger than its normal size.

"What? Just wow?!" She exclaimed.

"I-I mean, did science of love Maura Isles really wrote you this letter?" She asked.

"Yes, you can see on the she written her name at the end of the letter, Emma!"

"Chill dude! What are you going to do now?" She asked whilst removing her high heels.

"I want to find her but I am not sure if she wants me to. It's been fifteen years Ems. I don't know if she still wanted me." She said solemnly.

"She said on her letter that she wanted to be in your life again if you wanted to. Maybe there's a chance." She said.

"But that is all in the past, Swan. Past. That's the operative word. Maybe she moved on." She said.

"Maybe. But what if she didn't? what if she's still waiting for you to show up."

Jane shrugged.

"Guess who I saw." She paused. "High School Queen Bitch!" Emma smirked.

"The love of your life Queen Bitch?" Jane asked, an eyebrow rose.

"What do you mean love of my life? She's hot, it is a given and she's still hot but she was never the love of my life." She said coyly. "And unlike you, I am not a lesbian." She shrugged.

"I told you, I am not a lesbian." Jane retort.

"Yeah, M-sexual." Emma teased remembering the words that she used when they were under the bleachers.

"So, Queen Bitch?" Jane continued.

"Oh yeah, I saw her after I deposited the guy I fake dated." She said.

"So, that's why you are wearing your only dress. And pink." Jane teased.

"ANYWAYS… I saw her and she gave me her number." Emma quirked her eyebrows.

"and you say you are not a lesbian." Jane jested before heading off to her room but not before seeing Emma flipping her the finger.

She shook her head and laughed.

She laughed until she saw the photograph of her and Maura that had been sitting on her desk. The picture was taken during their High School graduation.

* * *

"_We graduated!" Jane shouted._

"_We did!" Maura replied enthusiastically._

"_You are going to BCU. I am going to Boston PD Academy."Jane said leaning her forehead to Maura's._

"_We are." Maura whispered._

"_We are going to solve crime together. I'll wait for you, you know. I know I'll probably graduate first, since it will all be training and afterwards, I'll be a police officer and detective. I'll wait for you to become the greatest Medical Examiner, not that I don't think you are great now, you know." Jane babbled._

_Maura just laughed but nodded in agreement. Jane enclosed Maura in a tight embrace, like sealing a deal only two of them knew._

_That was their dream._

_That was their forever._

_Angela showed up and interrupted their hugging session only to ask for a photo of the two. Jane not so gracefully put her arms on Maura's shoulders._

_Angela snapped the picture._

* * *

Up to this day, the picture is still existing and Jane didn't know if Maura still as hers. That picture reminds her of why she decided to become a cop.

It reminded her before that there was a forever.

When fairytale still existed. Even in a twisted way.

Seeing the picture now, brought back extreme guilt that she kept all this time.

She didn't know why she did what she did—No, she knew exactly why and she still hadn't forgotten why. She just chose to ignore it.

She flipped her laptop opened. She clicked a few buttons and found a folder that she kept for a long while. Pictures of Maura, her and Maura, Maura with Little Bass and Jo Friday.

Everything Maura.

She remembered looking at those hazel eyes full of wonders and joy. Then, she came across a picture that Emma took.

They both didn't know about it until Jane was transferring the files. They were having a vacation after graduation. Jane was looking at Maura full of love and admiration and Maura was laughing beautifully with her head tilted upwards. Out of all the Mauras, that was her favourite Maura.

Happy.

_God! Why?! Why?! I am so stupid. For fifteen years, I didn't contact her. I didn't even tried to find her._

Maybe it was pride.

Jane didn't know, and she know now was that she was so stupid to let someone as perfect as Maura Isles go.

Oooo

Jane woke up still feeling the remorse running through her body. She needed a drink but it's eight o'clock in the morning and getting a beer wouldn't be a good idea at all.

She entered the department trying to guess what was happening. Everyone was fussing around as if a firecracker was stick into their ass making them anxious about something. They were just going to meet the new Medical Examiner for Christ sake!

"What's the fuss?" Jane asked Frost, her partner.

"we'll be meeting Dr. Isles today." Frost said.

"Isles?" Jane asked dumbfounded. Her heart started to beat faster by hearing the familiar last name. Last night, she found a letter from a woman with the same surname as the Medical Examiner. And now…

"Dr. Maura Isles, Chief Medical Examiner of the Commonwealth of Massachusetts. Everyone knows her, of course you do, right?" Frost asked curiously. In his opinion, everyone should know the Dr. Isles; he had read articles about her being the youngest medical examiner ever appointed in the history of Massachusetts, and that was amazing.

"Oh yeah! I read something about her works." Jane retorted sarcastically which was rewarded by rolling of eyes. "Unlike you, I don't read the papers or watch the news on my spare time, I usually watch the playoffs but yeah.. I know her. Of course."

There was something odd about how his partner answered; it was as if it has deeper meaning than it was supposed to be.

Clacking of heels interrupted his thoughts. Jane, on the other hand, seemed like she gotten tensed all of a sudden.

But she was indeed nervous.

This will be the first time she'll see the woman she broke. Her hands felt clammy, her heart was beating so fast that it seemed like it will flew out of the window.

And then she appeared.

"Everyone, this is Dr. Maura Isles, our new Medical Examiner. Please treat her with respect and kindness." Cavanaugh introduced before leaving the newly arrived ME.

Jane observed the woman infront of them. She was still the same woman physically but there was something about her that this is a different Maura infront of her.

Everyone greeted and welcomed the doctor but her. And when their eyes met, Jane saw a flicker of recognition before it was gone. Maybe it was just her imagination.

"Mau—" Jane started.

"Detective, I am Dr. Maura Isles. And I would like you to please address me as Dr. Isles or Doctor." Maura interrupted before leaving the dumbfounded Italian.

Yeah, different.

* * *

**So, she's back.**

**and yes, Jane's friend Emma is Emma Swan from Once Upon A Time :D**


	3. Chapter 3

**Hello! I would like to thank you guys for the sweet comments that I received and the follows and faves as well!**

**This chapter ain't as long as the others.. Been busy with work and I can't seem to write but i love writing for you guys so here it is.**

**Mistakes are still mine... no changes whatsoever.**

**and Rizzles is still not mine so.. yeah :) **

* * *

It has been seven days…

Seven days with nothing but side-glances and awkward conversations with the new Medical Examiner. Technically, Jane was the one acting odd with Dr. Isles.

Maura Isles was—is professional and there was nothing wrong with it. Except in Jane's mind.

'_Call me Dr. Isles' _Jane rolled her eyes at the thought. It still irked her that she can't call the woman the way she had before. All Jane wanted was to talk to Maura and not a with a mask called "Maura the Medical Examiner"

* * *

_It was the second day of Maura in the department and Jane wanted to talk to her so badly. She knew that what she wanted was borderline impossible but this was Maura she's talking about._

_She went to the morgue hoping to see and talk to the doctor. She has an excuse though, they were currently investigating a murder and Maura was doing the autopsy, therefore, she could barge in and talk to the woman._

"_The test result won't be here after an hour." Maura said flatly without looking up. Jane was stunned at how professional Maura's voice was, far from the sweet and soft voice she used back when they were together. The Maura she's saw was a fraud. Maybe Jane didn't know who Maura was._

'_**or maybe… it has been fifteen years since you saw her Jane. It's logic.'**__Jane thought. She wanted to scream but she didn't want to startle the woman who was too focused on what she was doing._

_She stood there just watching the honey blonde work her magic. Her précised cut of the Y incision made Jane's heart swoon with pride. This was Maura's dream._

_This was their dream._

_And at the thought, her heart constricted because she wasn't there when this amazing woman finished her studies. She wasn't there when she was appointed as the Commonwealth of Massachusetts' Chief Medical Examiner._

_Yes, she made mistakes on her life and as far as Jane knows… leaving Maura was the biggest mistake she did._

"_I said, the test results wouldn't be up for at least one hour. Do you need anything else?" Jane was startled at the voice and when she looked at the honey blonde examiner, an empty face met her._

_It was too professional for Jane's liking._

"_Detective?" _

"_Maura…" Jane started her voice laced with frustration and sadness._

"_I told you to call me Dr. Isles. I know you knew my first name is but we don't have to be on first name basis at work. Am I correct Detective Rizzoli?" _

_Jane was floored._

"_I… don't you know me?" Jane asked hesitantly. It was an out of the blue question but Jane thought it was stupid because this is Maura. And Maura is a genius and she can't easily forget anything or anyone._

_But…_

_She just need to know._

_She have to know…_

"_yes, of course." She said before focusing on the body she was dissecting once again._

_A glimmer of hope._

"_You are the youngest detective to be appointed in Boston."_

_Jane's mouth slowly turned upwards._

"_So, you are taking tabs on me." Jane said gaining a little bit of confidence._

"_No." Maura replied shortly. "I was just trying to know the people I'm going to work with."_

_All hope was thrown out of the door._

"_I…"_

"_Do you need anything else Detective?"_

"_I… just… nothing."_

_Jane walked towards the exit but not before glancing back at Maura. _

_This is not Maura. The Maura she knew laughs at small things that made her happy, takes things too seriously even if those were just small jabs on her research. The Maura she remembered can talk hours about flesh eating bacteria while having a stress free coffee talk._

_The Maura her heart knew was warm and sweet._

_Not this one._

_But maybe, this is the Maura.._

_The Maura that emerged after what she did._

_The Maura who did everything to forget her._

_This Maura was the one she hurt deeply._

_Jane opened the door and left. She sighed at the thoughts swarming her mind._

_Seeing this Maura, felt like a bucket of cold water was thrown her way. The impact of what she did slam on her face that she didn't know what to hold for support. She wanted to talk to her, tell her that she read the letter and she regretted everything she did._

_But… you can't change what really happened._

_You'll just have to hope that things will be different._

_But it isn't._

* * *

Jane was able to call Maura 'Dr. Isles' now. It took a lot of practice inside the bathroom, in front of the mirror, and even while trying to heat food that was stored by her mom or trying to watch baseball games with Jo Friday.

She wanted to make it seemed like it is the most normal thing to do. Respect the people you work with and respect their privacy when they wanted it.

However, seeing Maura every day made everything hard for Jane. Seeing the result of your stupidity after fifteen years made her wish that a bullet in her heart would have been better than seeing the love of your life purposely forgot you because you are an ass.

"Yes Ian. I will be there for dinner." Jane heard when she rounded the corner. She then heard a familiar chuckle and was astonished to what she saw. Maura was leaning on the door with a big smile on her face.

"I love you too, sweetheart. I'll see you later." Maura said sweetly before she ended the call.

It was an intimate pet name.

It was rather sweet for Jane's liking and she can't help but feel jealous of the intimacy. She had a glimpse of the old Maura she knew but it call came down with the fact that, someone was already making her happy. Someone already got her heart.

The reality of the situation hit Jane.

Maura's professionalism..

Maura's behavior towards her.

She _did_ forgot her.

* * *

Jane backed off after hearing the private conversation even if what she heard was just the tail end of it. It was when she was on her apartment that she remembered the name that was uttered by the beautiful doctor.

_Ian._

She remembered a guy named Ian.

He was the hideous Australian that kept on following Maura back in college. Maura said that he was just a friend and that she didn't need to be threaten by him because she was with Jane and nothing else mattered.

Of course, Jane believed it.

She loved—loves Maura so deeply that she won't think of anything that would ruin what they have. But it didn't mean she can't feel jealousy coursing in her veins.

That Ian could see Maura every day. They were freaking classmates to almost all of the subjects. She met him once and she found him shady. Her guts told her that there was something different about him but she can't make any conclusions unless she knew him better.

But it didn't happened.

The next thing she knew is that Maura was talking to an Ian and saying endless sweet nothings with him.

* * *

The past two weeks after the appointment of the Medical Examiner were actually a blur aside from solving a case that involved a manic-depressive artist who painted different realism with the blood of the people she killed. She said that it was red was her color and that those people have to die because they did bad things. It turned out that these people were her former classmates back in high school who nicked her for being weird.

She was brought to isolation after.

So, filing paper works had been the worst enemy for Jane. She'd rather kick some psychopath's ass than type on a computer telling how they solved the crime and how the brown-red stained on canvasses were actually thick liquid with DNA's of a person.

"I'm gonna get some coffee. Do you want some?" Jane asked Frost who was bored himself.

"Nah.. just had some tea from the Doc." He said.

"So, what are you now? All buddy buddy with her?" Jane asked. She was a bit irked that Maura could hand tea bags for Frost or other people but when it comes to her she's just an invincible piece of whatever.

She knew she have to stop this pity party. That if Maura didn't want to talk to her then she didn't need to.

She needed to grow up.

But… this is Maura.

She wants to make things right.

Before Frost could answer, Jane left the bullpen not wanting to deal with whatever she was about to hear. It was fine really if Frost wanted to talk to the Doctor it was his job. She just can't help herself for being jealous that he was able to do it and she can't.

She was about to leave the entrance when she saw a familiar face. He has a dirty look on his face wearing what it seemed to be an old jeans and v-neck shirt.

It was clearly someone she knew.

"Ian?" She asked curiously,

"Jane? Jane Rizzoli?" the person replied with a curious look on his face.

"What are you doing here?" _Maura._ Her brain answered her own question even if she wasn't actually sure if it was really the doctor he was looking for.

He was about to answer when a loud shriek was heard from below and a blur of blonde hair flew passed her.

"Mommy!" was all it shouted.

Jane looked to where the little blonde run off to.

And when she did.

She felt like the world crumbled on her feet.

The blonde blur was currently being carried by one Maura Isles.

* * *

**a little Maura?**


	4. Chapter 4

***awkwardly waving a white flag* **uhm.. **hi!**

**I apologize for not updating for three months. I know.. how heartless right? The truth is, I had a massive writer's block and I had to reconstruct this story and I want to thank, Tess Gerritsen for writing the R&amp;I books for giving me push. Also, work was shit but I was writing while doing those shits so.. hahaha so, i hope ya'll doing okay!**

**hmmn.. disclaimer: As usual Jane and Maura are not mine, it's Tess and TnT... R&amp;I is not mine obviously. uhm.. the mistakes are mine though.. hehe**

**since i just finished writing this.. and didn't check it.. so forgive my mistakes.**

**Oh.. and i may or may not write regularly because I am having some problems with stuffs but it won't be three months like before since I already finished the breakdown for this fic. yahooooo!**

**whatever. i am ranting!**

**i hope everyone will enjoy and like it. and again, i am sooooooo sorry!**

* * *

"Mama I miss you! You were gone and I miss you." The little girl on Maura's arms pouted.

"is that why you are here?" Maura asked the little girl. The kid nodded.

It was as if they were in their own little bubble after that. Jane was looking like an outsider gauging what was happening in front of her. She was shocked to see the woman she was slowly falling in love again looked so maternal and it was like a signal to her that it's too late.

She was looking at the duo that fit perfectly.

And she just don't know what to do anymore.

A part of her wanted to demand answers to her questions.

But the big part of her knew that demanding answer from someone she broke her heart is a futile attempt.

A giggle broke her reverie when she looked around; she noticed the people looking at the medical examiner had grown two heads. It's not really surprising that their reactions were off the charts, they've known the ME as "Queen of the Dead". She earned that title for being emotionless when it comes different cases and seeing her now holding a little girl, smiling as if the world turned upside down and it is the result.

"I am really sorry Hon!" A voice added. It was when Ian walked passed her that Jane realized that she was an outsider. She stood there watching as Ian kissed Maura on the cheek. It seemed like he whispered something to which the honey blonde answered with a nod.

Maura and Ian were talking quietly which somehow fueled the jealousy that Jane was feeling now, so she willed herself to look away because she can't seem to walk away. While she was looking for distraction, she caught a familiar hazel. Although, the hazel didn't belong to the Medical Examiner but to the girl who was currently on her arms. The girl's head tilted as if she was trying to gauge the woman in front of her. It was scary how she looked like Maura in a way.

The look resembled a confused Maura who didn't have an idea as to who or what she was dealing with.

"Mama." She heard the little girl muttered quietly. Maura looked at the little girl adoringly. It had been a long time since she saw that kind of look in front of all. And sadly, it was her back then who used to received that kind of expression.

She miss it.

"Prince J is girl?" The little girl asked innocently. It was comical how Maura stiffened at the question and how Ian smirked at the girl.

Jane, on the other hand, didn't know if she wanted to feel elated at the mention of her name or dread at the mention of her former nickname. She was actually curious as to why the girl would know whom she was when Maura kept on avoiding her.

It was true that she felt like the woman was avoiding her but it she can't comprehend altogether as to why she would tell her baby girl her name or story.

If there is one.

"Yes she was. I told you that before." Maura said booping the nose of her baby girl.

It was too adorable in Jane's eyes and she could imagine that she shared this girl with _her _Maura. The chuckle from Ian broke the daydream that Jane was having.

It reminded her that the woman who was her so-called "Love of her life" has her own family; a kid and a husband that loves her and won't hurt her like she did.

A tug from her hand broke her reverie but the pain of reality didn't changed what she felt.

"Hi!" Hazel eyes said.

The little girl was almost identical to Maura, although, there was something on her face that is different. No, it wasn't Ian.

She could not see any 'Ian' on the little girl face. She just don't figure out what.

Jane took the time to study the girl, it was seemed like she was five or four years old. She has long fluffy hair, almost like Jane's but blonde. She has big doe eyes and thin lips just like Maura's.

She was like a mixture of her and Maura.

A tiny Rizzles.

Another tug.

Then she remembered she didn't answer yet. Jane looked at Maura to ask for permission but Maura wasn't looking at her, so, she squat to the girl's level and said hi.

"Are you J?" The kid asked.

"what made you think I am J?"

"Your hair. It's like mine." The little girl shrugged.

"Oh… if I am J, then what is your name?" Jane asked.

Before the girl could answer her, Maura cut in.

"Honey, do you want some bunny pancakes?"

"Bunny?!" The girl exclaimed. Maura nodded. "Hop! Hop! Hop!" The kid exclaimed again whilst hopping towards Maura.

It made Maura smile.

It was enough for Jane.

Almost.

"Dada! Mama! Let's goooo!" The girl said enthusiastically.

Jane's heart clenched.

"J? are you coming?" She returned her eyes towards the detective.

"I'm afraid I can't." she replied sadly. She wouldn't ruin this for Maura.

She ruined enough.

"Oh." The girl deflated.

"But you can eat my bunny pancakes for me, okay?" She said to little Maura. "You can ask the old lady there to give you mine. She knows me." She said.

The little girl giggled.

"Okay!" She said before giving a thumbs up to the woman. "Mama up!"

Maura picked the girl up and chatted animatedly about her day.

"bumblebee, say goodbye to J." Ian reminded the little girl.

"Oh!" She exclaimed before wiggling herself and Maura put her down.

The little girl run towards Jane and tugged her arm. Jane leaned and the little girl whispered something on her ear.

"I'm Danielle Clementine Isles." She whispered loudly before running off towards her mom.

Jane immediately looked at Maura but as usual, Maura wasn't even looking at her.

'_Clementine.'_ Jane thought as she watched the little girl run towards her mom and dad.

'_I like your second name,Jane. I like Clementine, just as much as I like you.' _Maura once said to her.

Her heart bled once again.

* * *

**uhm.. hey? anything in particular you guys want to say? yes i know it's a shitty chapter..**


	5. Chapter 5

**Hey!**

**I'm so sorry for late update! I got caught up with work and you know… fighting writer's block with a sword called pen. It's a struggle!**

**Also, I stopped writing midway because I fangirled over Lana Parrilla (The Queen of OUAT) announcing her marriage and the 15****th**** anniversary project of Digimon. Why am I even saying these to you guys? I am not so sure.**

**Hmmn..**

**Cjunited38: hehehe this is a rizzles fic. Maura needed to be stuck with Ian for a while. Sorry :) and in the series, I do believe he just used Maura too but he's different here :D**

**Dallas: yeah.. it's been a while really. This update wasn't sooner but I hope it's ok with yah?**

**Jkarr: They will. Soon.**

**Rainbowsend96: yeah… there was a reason for that. You'll find sooner or later or later or maybe later. :D yes, writer's block is a bitch but hopefully I'll be able to fight it.**

**ResseGarcia: haha fist pump!**

**Cdownes: We're off to Maura's apartment… opps! **

**Y: yeah.. I love cliffhanger! :) yes, an adorable kid with Ian and the story will be revealed sooner or later or maybe later. And here's an update! Yay!**

**Dr. Hir: I will be continuing, Yes.**

**Jeni34: I don't speak French but thank you! (was your comment in French or what?)**

**And hear! Hear! all of the mistakes are mine and Rizzoli and Isles are not mine.**

**Here is it. Enjoy! Or try to get a tissue or something. It's not that angst-ridden chapter but it has some couple of angst part… so just to be sure have some tissue. **

**Heh I'm rambling! ENJOY!**

* * *

Jane stared at the retreating forms of Maura, Danielle—_'Clementine'_ she mentally corrected since she decided to call that she'll be calling the little girl that name—and Ian.

Maura appeared happy with her little family. It is everything Jane wanted but can't have.

'_Or it is something that you almost had but let go of.'_ Her brain taunted.

She continue watching as the medical examiner smiled widely at how comical her little girl tell stories with her hands wildly swaying.

That is so Maura.

'_the Maura I knew back then,'_ she sighed.

_Danielle Clementine Isles._

She reiterated mentally as she looked at them. She kept on repeating the name as if she needed to know something about the kid's name.

"Danielle Clementine Isles." She repeated and this time saying it a little loudly.

Then it hit her!

_Isles._

Jane was astounded.

Hope slowly bubbled in the pit of her stomach when she realized the full name of the girl.

_Isles._

NOT Faulkner.

Not only that the little girl named after her—she assumed. Clementine's surname was not of the guy Maura was with, it means, the kid was not Ian's.

After a couple of seconds, she realized as well that Maura's surname wasn't Faulkner too.

NOT married!

Home Run!

She was about to do a happy dance when she saw Ian put his arms around Maura and the smile that she had on her face vanished into thin line immediately.

She just shook her head at the scene. She knew Maura was happy with someone else that isn't her. She knew Maura wanted nothing to do with her.

And that will always be a sad thing.

But the saddest part of knowing was that, she just knew.

And she don't even know what to do with it.

Up to this day, she hadn't acknowledge the part where she hadn't moved on, that it took one letter to bring back all the memories she thought she buried along with the book containing that damn letter.

But the truth was…

She was still craving for Maura. She was—is craving for her smile, her affection, her love.

She was stupid to let go and seeing Maura with someone that isn't her made her wanted to puke and cry her heart out.

* * *

Jane entered the bullpen and banged her things on her table.

She was frustrated.

And she forgot her coffee.

"What the? Jane!" Frost reprimanded. He was busy unlocking a cellular phone that the other team collected. And since Jane and him weren't busy with a case and was just taking turns on doing the paper works, he decided to help.

"I'm sorry." Jane said sarcastically which made Frost shook his head.

Wanting to confirm something…

"Hey, I need your computer." Jane demanded which confused the other detective. Frost can sense that something is wrong with his partner and he just couldn't figure what. Jane took advantage of the distracted Frost and immediately typed the Medical Examiner's name.

"You are stalking." Frost commented after seeing what her partner did with his computer.

"I am not." Jane replied.

'_yes!' _Jane cheered internally after seeing the records of the M.E and she almost did a happy dance when it was mentioned that Dr. Maura Dorothea Isles was just Isles.

'_Not Faulkner! In your face!'_ She mentally cheered.

"All you have to do was ask her. Stalking her is not good you know."

"I told you, I am not stalking her."

"So, hovering the mouse onto the relationship status is ain't stalking."

Jane shook her head up and down for approval of the sentiment.

Frost just shook his head at the gesture.

Jane wasn't fooling anyone.

He may not know the history between his friend and the M.E but seeing her like this made him think that it isn't early to conclude that Jane and Maura had indeed had a history together.

And not just a friendly history that is.

"I thought you were going to get a coffee?" He asked changing the subject. He knew that Jane wouldn't confide him even if he push her to her limits.

"Oh shit!" Jane muttered. She was so invested with what had happened earlier down the lobby that she forgot what she was really aiming for.

She groaned at the realization. Now she has to get some coffee in her system despite the happy hormones that released upon seeing the relationship status of her 'the one that got away.'

Jane begrudgingly went towards the café forgetting that Maura and her little family headed there earlier.

* * *

Jane immediately noticed the lack of customers inside the café; however, she immediately heard her mom's voice echoing the cafeteria. It was as if she was talking animatedly at someone.

More animated than her usual.

"J!" A shout from a distance.

Jane searched for the voice. She looked around the café and when her eyes fell towards the corner part, she saw the little girl whom she met earlier.

"Janie!" her mother interrupted before she even had the chance to call the little girl.

"Mom."

"She your mommy Janie?" The little girl asked.

Jane nodded. She focused her attention to her mom and asked for a cup of fresh brewed coffee.

"That's why you said she knew you." She said cheekily with her little forefinger pointing upwards as if she discovered the greatest discovery ever existed.

These little quirks reminded her a lot of _her _Maura.

"Janie, why didn't you tell me that Maura was working here?" Jane's ever-nosy mom asked.

She didn't wanted to answer her but she also knew that if she didn't her mom won't stop 'til she pry some answers from the detective.

"It must've slipped my mind." She replied offhandedly.

"J?"

"Yes Clementine?" She asked, testing the name.

She noticed that the little girl beamed at the name whilst the kid's mom stiffened. Jane immediately thought of kicking herself for what she said. It wasn't like she was doing it to make Maura uncomfortable. She just wanted to make something out of it, maybe she was indeed gauging for a reaction from the woman but it was indeed a bad decision to do that.

Too early.

'_and you are an idiot Jane Rizzoli'_ She muttered to herself.

"How come you left?" She asked.

Jane was confused.

"Dani, honey, do you want some more?" Maura awkwardly shifted the conversation.

Little Maura looked at her mom and it was as if a silent conversation transpired at the two Isles.

Clementine nodded.

Maura breathe a sigh of relief.

The conversation is over.

They were interrupted by Angela who brought Jane's coffee again.

"Jane Clementine Rizzoli! What did I told you about—"

"You Clementine too?!" The kid shrieked.

Jane was about to nod as a reply to the kid when she heard Maura corrected her daughter by saying "you're".

It melted Jane's heart. Seeing Maura so motherly was something, she never dreamt of seeing until now. Although there were some instances, where she thought of little Maura and Janie running around a white picket fence covered garden.

Motherhood suited her.

Her reverie was broken when she felt a tug on her wrist and when she looked as to who burst her bubble. She met hazel doe-eyes.

It was expecting. And when she looked around she saw that her mom was also looking at her curiously. Maura, on the other hand, wasn't looking at her but it was obvious that she was curious as to why she zoned out as well.

"Y-yes. I am Clementine too." Jane stuttered. '_God! I'm stupid!'_ She thought. She knew that she shouldn't dwell on her memories with Maura and that the woman once hers has already moved on and happy.

"That is so cool!" The little kid shouted. Jane looked and gauge at Maura's reaction. She looked so conflicted and relaxed at the same time. The worry lines on her face appeared and Jane couldn't stop thinking that maybe it was her own fault that Maura was not in her usual demeanor.

She shouldn't put herself in the middle of this things. She shouldn't make things more complicated than usual.

She owed this to Maura.

She knew she have to stop but she also knew that fighting the unseen magnetic force is fucking hard and she didn't know until when she could finally stop and walk away.

Jane grabbed her coffee and bid goodbye to Maura and her little family. She knew it was abrupt and almost rude but feeling the way she was feeling right now makes her want to bolt and cry.

Or cry while bolting.

She don't know.

She just wanted to be out of that place. She didn't want a reminder of how much she fucked up. It has been fifteen long years for Christ sake.

Jane paused facing the blank wall. Suddenly, a litany of memories poured out using the smooth whiteness of the wall as screen, projecting memories of something that had happened long ago.

Something bubbled akin to longing slowly crawled into her heart and mind.

She was wretched again.

Jane stumbled towards the wall and leaned her head at the cool concrete.

'_I can't break down. Not right now.'_ She mentally scolded herself for showing an ounce of weakness.

She was weak.

She knew it.

However, it didn't mean she has to show it.

* * *

Time flies, as cliché as it was, it has been two weeks since knowing that Ian was in Maura's life and that her Maura has a kid on her own.

It was two weeks of trying to drown with work and occasional six cans of beer.

Jane once said to herself that she needed to move on. And she has no fucking clue where to start. She thought that maybe avoiding Maura would be the best solution, but it wasn't.

The more she stupidly read the letter, the more she realized that she won't be able to tear herself away from Maura. Jane wanted to be near to her but being near her made her heart ached at the realization that Maura couldn't be hers again.

* * *

Maura was waiting.

It's what Jane noticed upon seeing the medical examiner in front of their head quarters. She looked agitated and almost worried.

Jane told herself that she would try to avoid her this time.

"Hey!" Jane said. _'Damnit!'_

"Detective." Maura replied coolly before looking at her watch.

"It's late. Why are you still here Doctor Isles?" She asked trying to make a conversation.

Maura muttered something but Jane didn't hear, so she asked again what was it. Maura hesitated answering as Jane noticed the way Maura looked back and forth from her to the road.

"Ian was supposed to pick me." She muttered. A stab in the heart. "My car is in the garage right now and he was supposed to pick me but he said he got stuck with Dani." She explained.

"Do you want a ride?" Jane asked. It wasn't on her time table to mingle with the other doctor or to even ask Maura if she wanted a ride, however, it was the most logical thing to do. She can't just leave her behind.

Not now, anyways.

"I—"

"It's okay. I can take you home. It's much easier and safer than taking a cab this late." Jane remarked.

"I… thank you detective." Maura replied. Jane lead the doctor to her trusty car.

The ride towards Maura's house was eerily quiet. It wasn't like Jane was expecting Maura to talk the way she did back when they were together. It was just too quiet that Jane thought someone would pop out from the back seat all of a sudden.

"Turn right." Maura commanded breaking Jane's musing. She turned right and stopped at the second house just after a black sedan.

"Thank you." Maura muttered.

It was as if Ian has a Maura tracker, the door opened and it revealed an apron wearing doctor, in tow was a little bunny wearing an apron as well.

"Just in time for dinner." Ian exclaimed excitedly.

Too happy for Jane's opinion.

"Jane!" he called. She nodded as she watched Maura kissing her little girl on the cheek that came running towards her. "Why don't you join us for dinner?" He asked.

"Please J?" Danielle echoed after hearing Ian's request.

Jane looked at Maura, asking for approval and gauging her reaction as well.

Maura nodded.

"If you insist." She said awkwardly before following the couple inside with little Maura pulling her hand.

* * *

**So?**


	6. Chapter 6

**I am really sorry for not updating in a month! Work had been really busy but don't worry I am already writing the next chapter. It won't be long 'til you guys have an update from me! Yay!**

**I would like to thank my beta "LoveIsles" for correcting my mistakes! Love ya!**

**Madbadger: Thank you! I already have the list of chapter. Finishing every chapter is the struggle. **

**Y: not really doing well. I already had the breakdown for this fic but writing it with my schedule is kinda pain in the ass. Haha yes Ian is really nice and very lovable.**

**Dr. Hir: I will. Thank you for your comment!**

**Caesaraugusta: he is helpful for our girls right? Haha thank you and I hope you didn't die of waiting ;)**

**Guest: very. Thanks!**

**Cjunited38: maybe? Haha**

**Noblegraces: FORGIVE ME!**

**DISCLAIMER: R&amp;I's still not mine. Mistakes however… are mine**

**Without further ado, here's the chapter!**

* * *

_The first time Maura joined the Rizzoli's for dinner it was a total disaster._

_To Jane that is._

_She introduced Maura as a friend and her family immediately bombarded her with questions. She could vividly remember that it was her brother Tommy who started the whole ordeal. He kept on asking Maura all those things that made her girlfriend uncomfortable. Jane's mom wasn't much better asking her if she found a boyfriend, because god knows her daughter wasn't doing that well—maybe it was Jane's fault as well because she hadn't really introduced Maura as her girlfriend._

_Jane kept on glancing at Maura, trying to gauge her reaction and she was surprised to see how calm her girlfriend was taking in the craziness that was her family._

_The dinner ended when her parents began fighting and Jane had to usher Maura to her room._

"_I'm sorry." Jane said sheepishly._

"_It is okay Jane." Maura replied smiling gently at the brunette._

"_But I didn't introduce you to my parents." Jane said apprehensively._

"_You did introduce me." Maura answered. Jane was about to say something when Maura added something. "I know what you mean Jane and it doesn't matter. I'll wait until you are ready."_

_Jane looked at Maura in awe she was lucky to have her and before she knew it, she was slowly inching her way toward her girlfriend. She gently put her hand on Maura's temple. "I love you." She muttered softly before closing the gap between them._

"J! Are you listening to me?" The little girl shouted which eventually broke Jane's reverie before she could answer. "Danielle", Maura chastised the little girl for shouting.

"Dani, do you know what I told you about your voice when you're inside the house?" Maura asked her daughter.

"Use my in-house voice. I have to be really quiet like a mouse because shouting inside the house is bad." Dani recited with her eyes looking up. Jane almost chuckled at the expression since she could see herself in the little girl.

Maura shook her head at the gesture. Jane could tell that Maura was already accustomed to her little girl. It somehow made her think how much of Maura this chatty little kid had in her. Being a chatter box was on the top of the list, that's for sure.

Jane kept on zoning out all through dinner. She kept on thinking about the days when Maura stayed at their house. Angela practically treated Maura like her own and was devastated when the honey blonde stopped coming.

The dinner was on Jane's list of awkward moments and she a long list to begin with. She's here with the woman she loved—loves—beside her is her daughter. It would have been a perfect dinner if only Ian Faulkner hadn't been there at all. He kept on asking her questions that she would politely answered despite her desire for the earth to swallow her completely. She knew she shouldn't be here at all. She was ruining a perfect dinner with the family.

Maura wasn't even looking at her. Her eyes were on the food she was eating, and the only time she lifted her eyes was when she had reprimanded her daughter earlier. Jane wished more than anything else that she could ease Maura's anxiety, but how could she do that when the sole reason Maura was uncomfortable as of the moment was her?

Jane wanted to get up and leave but Maura's little angel had a different plan.

"J?" She tugged Jane's sleeves.

"Yes, honey?" The term of endearment easily slipped from her mouth and she internally cringed at her mistake.

"Can you tuck me in?" she said looking sleepily at Jane with those expressive doe eyes just like her mom. Jane couldn't say no to that.

However, she wasn't the mother of this child. It would be very inappropriate for her if she tucked this kid in bed when she's not even welcome in this house in the first place.

"Dani, honey, I'm sure detective Rizzoli has somewhere else to go." Maura's voice was soft but there was a hint of authority in it.

'_Parenting was a good thing for Maura_,' Jane thought.

She also thought that the stubborn little one would listen to her mom, instead she whined and looked directly at Maura when she said that she wanted J.

"J will tuck me in." She said before trying to cross her arms but failing. A chuckle escaped Ian as he and Jane stared at the blondes looking intensely at each other.

"Honey…" Maura relented. "It's late. I'm sure someone is looking for the detective right now." She continued.

Danielle pouted when she finally understood what her mom said.

"Okay." Danielle said softly still pouting. Her eyes were misty with tears because she really wanted J to tuck her in. "Bunny mommy must be looking for you." She said before looking at Jane.

"I..." Jane tried speaking but failed miserably.

"It's okay." The little girl said looking at the floor. Jane looked at Maura before looking back at the little kid. She knew Maura wanted her gone. But she didn't want to see the little girl so sad.

Maura sighed the same time as she did.

"D-do you really want me to tuck you in?" Jane asked while mentally cursing herself.

Why couldn't she respect Maura's silent wishes and just go?

The little girl nodded before looking at her still pouting.

Maura's pout before was her weakness and seeing little Maura doing the same she knew it was a dead end.

Jane looked at Maura asking for permission that she hoped she conveyed through her eyes. Maura was about to say something but Ian answered for her.

"C'mon honey, Dani won't stop until she gets what she wants." The term of endearment plunged through Jane's heart but she wasn't able to fully comprehend it because a little bundle of joy decided it was the right moment to pull her hand and run towards her room.

"Don't forget to brush your teeth!" Maura reminded before they even closed the door.

"Yes!" The kid shouted. "Oops" she said before realizing that she didn't used her in house voice.

Jane just stared at the little girl while she did her routine. It was as if she were watching a little Maura knowing what to do with her things. The girl was tidy unlike any other five years old, that she knew exactly what to do.

"I'm done!" The little girl announced before flopping onto her bed like the five year old that she was.

"Could you tell me a story please?" Dani asked as Jane pulled the up covers.

"I don't know what to tell you." Jane said honestly. What could you tell to a little girl when all of your stories are about homicide cases and dead bodies?

"Anything." She said yawning.

Jane tried to think of a story that she could tell. All that were racing in her mind were stories about how she met and wooed Maura. However, would have been inappropriate for the little one since it was her mom.

"C'mon J!" the little girl pouted.

The power of the Isles pout is deadly.

"Tell me about your true love." Dani requested.

When they talk about true loves… All Jane could think have was Maura.

'_Fuck it!' She thought. _

"I'm going to tell you about Princess Dorothea." Jane said. Using Maura's second name was safe.

"Did you left her too?" the little girl asked innocently with her sleepy eyes.

"W-what?"

"Mommy said Prince J left Princess Mau and Prince J was her true love. Then, she met another prince and a stork gave the Princess and the Prince a baby. It was me." She said in her hazy state.

Jane couldn't speak. If the little girl knew that Prince J was her, then she probably knew as well that Princess Mau was her mom, but, why was this kid trying to be so attached to her?

"Prince J never meant to leave Princess Mau honey." Jane said finding the courage to try and defend herself.

"But she still left and Princess Mau was hurt." The kid tried to argue. "Princess Mau was sad when she met another prince. Mommy said, the prince loved princess Mau so much."

"Where is that prince honey?" Jane asked. If Maura was talking about her love life through fairytales then surely, she'll say something about Dani's father.

"Mommy didn't say."

"Is he not Ian?"

"No. Prince Ian is not Princess Mau's prince but Prince Ian loves Princess Mau." Little Maura said innocently before yawning really big.

Jane, as much as she was hurt by the little girl's words and baffled as to why Maura would tell her little girl a fairytale that involved her as the protagonist's true love. She decided to tell a story of her own.

"Princess J met Princess Dorothea a long time ago in a castle. Princess J never knew what to say to the Princess so she stayed away looking at her from afar." Jane started

"Did she do something?" Maura Jr. asked.

"Yes. Princess J shouted her name until she noticed her." Jane chuckled at the memory.

"Did she notice her then?"

"Princess Dorothea caught her as she shouted her love for her. Princess J was so nervous that she avoided the princess until she had the courage to tell her what she really felt. And when she did, Princess Dorothea told her that she loved her too..., but Princess J was too stupid and she let the Princess go." She muttered softly, her words hitting close to home.

"Does J still love the princess?"

"Very much." Jane answered not letting her tears fall. It was true, she never meant to let go of Maura, she was young and stupid.

Jane shook her head and noticed that the little girl was already sleeping. She leaned and kissed the girl's forehead, even she was shocked at the gesture.

She didn't know what triggered her to kiss the kid as if she was her own.

Maybe it was the memories that invaded her heart and mind that and maybe she had let her own feelings guide her to the only thing that was close and felt like home, felt like Maura.

Jane left the room and walked towards the living room expecting Maura to be waiting for her.

'_To politely escort you outside, you idiot.'_ Her brain taunted her.

Just as Jane passed the first door after Danielle's room, she heard a manly voice that belonged to Ian. What peaked her interest was that she heard him saying sweet nothings to someone.

At first she thought he was talking to Maura, and she was heartbroken. She couldn't fathom how she could stand there and listen to the words of a man clearly involved with the woman she had loved for so very long. However, when she heard his next words, she saw red.

"_Yes honey. We will see each other again."_

"_I love you."_

"_See you this at the end of the month."_

"_Bye. Take care."_

Jane marched towards Ian. She knew she didn't have the right to confront him, but she couldn't stand someone cheating on Maura.

Especially on Maura.

Jane shoved Ian.

"Who the hell are you talking to?!" Jane asked brashly. She didn't even give Ian a chance to explain. Like the detective that she was, she continued poking him, asking him questions.

"How dare you to do that to Maura?! How could you Ian?!" She shouted.

The confused look on Ian's face made Jane think twice as to whether what she was doing was right.

But, his non-responsive demeanor made Jane think that he was guilty. All she was seeing now was red. She was jealous of the guy for having the little family that she always dreamt of. And hearing him talk to another person, saying that he loved them despite having Maura irked her

"Maura doesn't deserve what you're doing! How could you!" Jane shouted.

"What is happening here?" A voice abruptly stopped Jane from confronting the guy. Jane's hands were still clutched at the collar of Ian's shirt and she was about to punch him in the face but the angelic worried voice that she heard stopped her.

"Ian? Jane?" Maura asked as she put her hand on Jane's arm. Hearing her name on Maura's lips was disorienting.

How long had it been since she'd heard her name spoken from those lips? She couldn't remember. Jane was momentarily out of focus especially when she realized that Maura was still holding her arm.

It was surreal.

"What is happening here?" Maura repeated while removing the hand that was on Jane.

"She attacked me." Ian said.

"You son of a bitch!" Jane shouted and was about to pounce again when Maura stopped her.

"Why can't you see it Maura?" Jane said frustrated.

"See what?" she asked.

"He's cheating on you!" Jane blabbed making Maura grimace.

"Cheating?!" Ian and Maura exclaimed at the same time. And after a brief moment, Ian laughed.

"Why are you laughing?" Jane asked confused.

Maura, on the other hand was shaking her head.

"Jane, Ian is gay."

* * *

**So, what do you guys think?**


	7. Chapter 7

**Hi! I'm back! Told you it wouldn't be long 'til update!**

**So how's life treating everyone? Lol I suck at small talks. Anyways, I would like to say thanks to my beta 'LoveIsles' love ya! You rock!**

**Guest: haha you'll find the answers to your questions soon and no you didn't miss anything, well maybe a few clues here and there**

**Guest2: uhm.. it'll end happily yes. Maybe. I'm not sure. But I do hope you'll continue reading it :D**

**Xenagabbyrizzilsles: hi! Hi! Thank you!**

**Cjunited38: I'm glad you find it funny. Thanks!**

**Dr. Hir: Ian is Ian lol.. the confirmation of your question is somewhere there in the update :)**

**Cdownes: hi! Thanks! I'm glad to be back as well.**

**Magicfull: Yes! You fall for my surprise I'm glad!**

**Madbadger: *bows down* thank you!**

**IsaBabisa: well yeah.. at least she called her name right? Thank you!**

**Jkarr: yes and it was quite embarrassing eh?**

**So, disclaimer: R&amp;I is not mine. Emma is not mine as well she's from Once Upon A Time. Danielle Clementine Isles however is a figment of my imagination.**

**This is a little angsty and I hope you'll enjoy it. I love you all! Have fun!**

* * *

"Hey," Jane greeted upon seeing her newly awakened best friend.

"What's up?" Emma asked stifling a yawn.

Jane shrugged.

Emma knew about the disastrous dinner that she had at the Isles household a few nights ago. However, they weren't able to talk about it because of Emma's line of work.

"Tell me, are you still avoiding her?" Emma asked. Jane knew better that she shouldn't lie to her friend because of the skill she had in determining if someone was lying or not.

"What do you want me to do? Show my face after the stupid thing I pulled in her house? Em, if you only saw me. I was an ass!" She exclaimed.

"Wouldn't be the first time." Emma commented which earned her a pillow flying towards her face.

"So, you haven't talked to Ian then." Emma concluded.

"I was so embarrassed! That's at the top of the list of the most embarrassing moments that have happened to me Em! Jesus!"

"This is worse than I thought! You're already using the name of the Lord in vain! What would Mama Rizzoli say to you, Janie?!" Emma teased.

"Shut up!" she retorted lamely. Emma stared at her friend with pity. It had been days since she'd been trying to be a hermit in her own cave of an apartment. If she knew her friend that well, she would have known that Jane had been avoiding Maura like a plague.

Emma sighed.

"Tell me everything." She said.

* * *

"_Gay?" Jane asked. Surprise and confusion marred her face at Maura's statement._

"_That's what I said." Maura replied looking rather annoyed at the repetition. _

"_I… you…" Jane stuttered. She didn't know what to say. Her mind was swirling back to the moment that she heard Maura talk to Ian on the phone, to their interaction at BPD, and finally, how Ian put his arms around Maura._

_She's a detective. All of the evidence points to the fact that Ian isn't gay but Maura said he is and she can't lie to save her life. _

_She didn't know what to believe anymore._

_All she remembered doing was saying a hasty goodbye and thanking them for the meal before bolting outside. She wasn't expecting anyone to follow her, but her detective skills weren't working well for her.._

_Ian followed her._

"_Jane, are you going to be alright?" Ian asked with a hint of guilt in his voice. Guilt for playing her, guilt for embarrassing her… she didn't know anymore._

_Jane nodded._

"_Call me." Ian said before giving her a piece of paper. "Take care."_

* * *

"And you're still not calling him?" Emma asked.

"No. I can't call him."

"Why?!"

"Maybe I'm afraid of what he'll say." Jane replied solemnly.

"So tell me. She has a child?" Emma asked.

"Yes. Danielle Clementine! She's an angel Em." Jane said dreamily at her friend

"You fell for another Isles, I see." Emma teased after which she only received a nod from the detective. She then asked the question that had been bugging Jane all this time.

"Do you know the father is?" She asked.

Jane stared at Emma. She was at a loss . Her mind was whirling with all the possibilities. There's Ian, but they said Ian was gay. However, Jane was uncertain about whether Maura and he had had sex and it resulted Danielle.

Jane shuddered at the thought.

She shook her head.

"No I don't." She replied softly. "Maura's telling the kid how Prince J left Princess Mau."

"She's telling the kid your story?" Emma asked eyes bulging.

"I think she was more on telling how she got Dani than telling her our story. But she wasn't wrong. J did leave Mau." Jane said.

* * *

_It was a rainy evening._

_Jane could still vividly remember how she was walking towards Maura's house. And feeling so lost. The rain was pouring heavily, but she didn't mind it all. Her mind was swirling with the possibilities of what would happen after she'd executed her plan. She didn't mind the cold that seemed to envelope her thin body. All of her focus that night was the fact that she would break Maura's heart and she'd break her own in the process._

_That night she discovered that those people were right who said 'love always ends with someone getting hurt.'_

_Jane could still see the little carvings on Maura's apartment door, hear the sound of her knock when she finally found the courage to do so, and feel her breath getting shallower with every second that passed that Maura hadn't answered the door._

_And then, Maura did._

_She remembered stopping to breathe again._

_She remembered looking at Maura's warm hazel eyes and hearing her voice escape from her throat. All of a sudden she became hyperaware of what she was feeling._

_Her hands were clammy._

_She could feel the cold air entering her lungs._

_And her heart was beating wildly._

_Jane remembered closing her eyes at the sound of Maura's silky smooth voice. She remembered counting one to ten just to calm her nerves. She recalled voicing out the words that she never thought she'd say to her Maura._

_She could still clearly remember the confused look on Maura's face, and how the rim of her eyes turned red as the realization hit her._

_Jane could still perfectly hear Maura's voice asking her, demanding that she say something to her. Jane could still feel the weight of Maura's emotions as she stared at those sad hazel eyes that she swore never to hurt._

_Maura didn't shove the door close and she pleaded for Jane's explanation. And seeing Maura's teary eyes made Jane's knees buckle._

_She remembered saying sorry and turning her back from the woman she loved. She heard the faint call of her name, but it only fueled the heartache that she was feeling at that moment._

_She knew she needed to go._

_Jane remembered running in the rain, her footsteps echoing in the dark night as her heavy steps clashed with the dark pavement. Jane remembered letting her tears fall, letting them run down her face with the rain. She welcomed the cold air of the night because nothing could compare to the cold she was feeling inside._

_That night, she had run away from the person she loved._

_That same night, she felt her heart break in two._

* * *

"Hey! Where did you go?" Emma asked her green eyes looking at Jane with worry.

"Somewhere." Jane started licking her lips before looking away. "Somewhere horrible."

* * *

Jane and Emma didn't talk about that night. Emma knew perfectly well where her friend went and her heart ached remembering the pain in Jane's eyes. She knew it was her friend's fault. However, Emma was Jane's friend, and ally, and no matter what, she'd side with her.

She did however pester Jane into meeting with Ian. She knew Jane had many questions that needed to be answered. She wasn't surprised when after a week, she received a phone call from Jane saying that she'd be meeting with Ian Faulkner.

* * *

Jane entered the Dirty Robber and found a booth that was almost hidden from people's prying eyes. There she thought of what she would learn from this talk with Ian. She tried to think of all the possibilities, but she came up with nothing.

Her phone buzzed signaling that someone had texted her, and there was Ian's message, he was outside The Robber. She texted back that she was already inside just around the corner at the end of the bar.

"Thank you for coming" Jane said as soon as Ian reached the booth where she was settled.

"I have been waiting for your call." said Jane.

I think I'm surprised that you called me at all, Jane." Ian replied swiftly.

Jane called the waiter over and ordered a beer and Ian got a glass of wine.

Just as the waiter left, Jane changed her mind and asked for a glass of scotch.

Liquid courage.

She needed it.

"Did… d-did she know that you were meeting me?" Jane asked apprehensively.

"You make it sound like she's my keeper." Ian replied

"Sorry" she mumbled.

Ian chuckled. "It's okay."

Silence.

Jane didn't know how to start. She had so many questions and she couldn't formulate any of them.

She wanted to ask about Maura and Danielle. She wanted to ask how Maura was. She wanted to know everything.

"So, you're gay." Jane blurted dumbly.

Ian didn't answer, instead, he laughed. The hard headed and usually confident detective sunk into her chair at the embarrassment she was experiencing and Ian noticed immediately.

"Sorry. I'm really sorry." Ian said as he tried to calm himself.

"Yes. I am gay." He said a moment later looking directly into Jane's eyes. It was as if he was trying to make sure that what he was saying was true.

"So you and Maura." She hung.

"There's no me and Maura. She's been my best friend since college." Ian delivered easily as if knowing what was on Jane's mind.

Jane released a sigh of relief that she didn't know she was holding.

"So Dani isn't yours?" She asked. She really wanted to know who the father was despite having no idea what to do with that fact.

"God no!" Ian exclaimed, almost spitting the wine that he had sipped. It was almost comical, if only Jane wasn't a nervous wreck. "Maura is gorgeous but I never thought of doing that to her. I would gladly curl her hair, but have sex with her? No! I've been gay since middle school and I wouldn't change who I am just because I have a beautiful woman in front of me." He replied.

"So who is?" Jane asked.

That is when Ian's face changed.

"It's not my place to say. I know you have a lot of questions, but I can't say who he is." He said regretfully.

"Was Maura at least happy with him?"

"She was. Over the years that we've been friends, I have only seen her happy three times, like very happy." Ian started. "One of those times was when she was with you." He paused.

Jane felt her heart was slowly cracking at the revelation.

"The second time, when she was with him and the third was when Dani was born." He finished.

"If she was so happy with him then where is he now?" Jane asked. She couldn't comprehend why someone would leave Maura. Maura was so perfect in so many ways and leaving her was the move of an idiot.

'_That's why you're and idiot, Idiot!'_ Her brain taunted.

"He was committed." Ian said.

"What?" Jane asked incredulously. "Why would Maura do that?" She asked.

Her beautiful and sweet Maura fell for a cheater. It wouldn't have happened if she hadn't left the woman and had protected her. Maura didn't deserve to be shoved to the sidelines.

'_Isn't that what you did to her when you were together?'_ her brain asked once again. She was feeling nauseous at the thoughts that kept on entering her mind. Her brain travelled to the moment when she was with Maura and a litany of memories started to pour into her mind. She did shove Maura to the sidelines.

She was just like the cheating guy.

She and him treated Maura like a prized possession but never showed how much she loved her in front of people. She should've done that.

But she didn't.

"Why would Maura commit to someone who was already committed?" Jane asked Ian.

She was desperate for answers.

She wanted to know what triggered Maura to do it.

She wanted to go back to that rainy night and run, back to Maura's loving arms of Maura.

But it was too late.

She could never go back and she would never be able to protect Maura.

"She was a big girl. She felt loved. She was happy and she was savoring the moments while she could. The guy treated her well, she was a princess in his eyes. She knew it was only temporary and as much as she wanted to make it last, she knew it wouldn't. She just fell in love and she couldn't stop herself." Ian replied, looking at the windowsill.

"But why, why would she do that?"

"I don't know. But she always ends up with something that is forbidden. Don't you think?" Ian asked looking back at Jane. He was gauging her reaction and she was famous for not being able to control her facial expressions when it came to reactions. She knew her face gave it away.

Her face was showing regret.

"But why a cheater?!" Jane desperately asked. "She could have anyone she wants. Why fall for a cheater?"

"It's not like it's the first time she fell for a cheater." Ian shrugged as he looked directly at Jane.

Jane was confused. Why was Ian looking her like that?

"What?" Jane asked aggressively.

"She saw you Jane." He replied sternly.

"Saw me what?"

"You were kissing Casey three days after you broke up with her. That was also the day she told me she was leaving for Paris."

Jane's thought about the letter once again.

'_But today, I resolve to stop bothering you. I have decided to let you be. And give you the space that you asked for.'_

'_I will do anything to win you back if life wants me to.'_

Jane remembered not receiving any messages from Maura three days after the break up. It wasn't like she was expecting Maura to contact her. She was avoiding the blonde during that time after all she couldn't explain the words that she'd said to Maura. She never gave her an explanation.

But each day, during the span of three days, there were multiple missed calls and messages from the honey blonde.

Until the messages stopped.

And all that was left were memories and a newly discovered letter in an old chemistry book.

And it was like she was taken back fifteen years to a rainy day.

When hearts were shattered and tears fell as the rain poured from the sky.

It was a horrible day.

* * *

**So, there. please review guys.. it'll be very nice to hear from you!**

**I have a twitter it's: _loudestdork_**


	8. Chapter 8

**Hi guys! I'm so sorry for not updating last week when I was supposed to. I had a little vacation and some personal stuffs happened. **

**The reviews, follows, and favourites are really overwhelming! and I would like to thank everyone for it!**

**I would like to thank my beta 'LoveIsles' for being patient with me and my story full of distracting wrong grammar and by the way she said that this is painful i don't know if this chapter or the story in general so... I hope y'all be fine after this.**

**I hope you enjoy this update, I feel like this is something you're all waiting for.. or not!**

_**Chapter 7 and Rizzoli and Isles is still not mine. **_

* * *

Jane has the habit of running.

There was something about running that calmed her nerves whenever things get complicated and difficult. Today wasn't a difficult day but she did find herself running for a couple of miles longer than her usual run. It had been a week since the incident with Ian at the Dirty Robber; a week since she felt her heart crush into million pieces all over again.

The rest of the talk with Ian wasn't disastrous as she thought. When they reached the Casey incident, Jane wanted nothing but to explain her side of things, however, Ian told her that he didn't want to know.

"_I was really furious at you for doing that to her! Didn't you know that she cried for a day because of what you did? She didn't know what happened to you. For the first time in her life, she was clueless." Ian explained with a hint of venom in his voice. Jane could tell that despite the time that had passed, what she did during that night left a mark on everyone._

"_I didn't want to hurt her." It was all Jane said. _

"_But you still did." He replied softly. Jane looked away and visibly swallowed._

She hadn't talked about that part of her life for the past years. Yes, there were those moments when she was drunk at home with a sober Emma. Emma would tell her about her Maura rants, and they would not talk after that. There was a silent agreement between her and her best friend that they would never mention anything that had happened fifteen years ago.

Jane was so lost in her daydream that she didn't notice where she was, not until a soft body collided with her legs. At first she thought it was a dog but she heard a little voice and that's when she realized it was a little kid.

She looked down only to see hazel eyes glimmering with joy.

"Hi!" she said giggling cutely at Jane.

Jane could only smile back at the little girl. She looked around and when she didn't spot _her_, she got curious.

'_So that's it then? You'll just call her _'her' _now?' _Jane shook her head as the other Jane that was pestering her in her mind.

She didn't need that.

"Where is your mom?"

Instead of answering, Danielle reached for Jane's hand. "Up!" she said.

Jane, on her part was astounded at the small child. She wasn't expecting to see anyone today and she was totally not expecting that Maura's daughter of would bump into her, literally, when she was trying to avoid any contact with the older honey blonde.

Jane reached for the child and Dani immediately nuzzled to the woman.

"She's there behind the big tree." Dani said yawning. The poor child must be tired from playing. "Mommy said she used to comes here a lot." The little girl commented as she tried to settle herself comfortably in Jane's arms.

Jane looked around the park and realized that this was the little park near Beacon St. She and Maura used come here when they were still together.

This is where they celebrated their first anniversary.

Behind that tree.

Jane wondered if the carvings were still there. They were once the cheesy lovebirds that carved their initials in a wood surface as a reminder of what they had at that time. She could still remember Maura's smile vividly when she showed her the carving that she had made on the tree trunk. It was pretty messy yet Maura didn't mind at all, instead, she kissed her sweetly and Jane felt she was the luckiest woman on earth.

The feeling was bigger than winning a lottery.

When Jane reached the tree, what she saw left her breathless. The air was blowing Maura's hair gently, her eyes were close as if she herself was trying to relax. The sun was shining on her honey blonde hair making it look as though she had a halo. Her dress was cream-colored and hugged her in all the right places.

Maura truly an ethereal beauty.

Jane felt the little girl shift in her arms and she saw that she was fast asleep already. Jane cleared her throat.

Brown met Hazel.

"I think this one is yours?" Jane tried playing it cool.

Maura nodded as she fixed the blanket she was sitting on and made room for the sleeping toddler. Jane settled the little girl beside her mother.

"She must be pretty tired." Jane commented. She didn't know where she got the courage to talk to Maura right now, all she knew was that talking to her was the right thing to do.

"With all of the running she did, yes she must be." Maura replied.

"May I?" Jane asked pointing at the empty space in the blanket. Maura nodded.

Jane sat beside Maura.

It was quiet but it wasn't as uncomfortable as it had been the last couple of months when she saw the woman. Jane was looking at the tree trunk when she noticed the small carvings, J &amp; M. It was theirs.

She almost smiled at the thought of their anniversary. It was rather chilly at the time, yet they didn't mind. Their anniversary wasn't fancy. Jane tried but Maura said she didn't need anything fancy, she didn't need to be wooed again by Jane because Jane had already captured her heart.

It was one of the best days of her life despite only having hot chocolate while they held hands on a cold night. Their close proximity was enough to make them feel warm on the inside.

"So, how are you?" Jane asked.

"I am rather well, detective." Maura replied formally. Jane still couldn't help but frown whenever Maura was being formal with her. She didn't want that the formal Maura, but she really couldn't do anything about it.

"So, you're in the park…" Jane started again ineptly.

"Yes." Maura's short reply.

"I suck at small talk, don't I?" Jane laughed awkwardly.

"You didn't back then. You do now though." Maura commented.

Jane was astounded and immediately looked at Maura with wide eyes, almost giving her whiplash. This is the first time Maura acknowledge their past.

Her mind swirled back to the day she let her go.

* * *

_Jane was walking in the middle of the night trying to figure out what she was going to do. She was walking lost in the summer rain. It was as if the weather was trying to mimic her mood. It was unusual for it to rain during this time of the year. Summer had just begun a few days ago, and it was already raining. She could ask Maura about it and she would just tell her that it was either because of climate change or because someone had decided to do a cloud seeding._

_Maura._

_Jane's mind was swirling with the possibilities of what would happen or what she would do. She knew that if she told Maura the reason she was going to do it, Maura would just reason it out and her resolve would crumble. She was feeling the remorse eating at her, however she had to do this._

_She stood in front of Maura's apartment just staring at the carvings on the door as if memorizing the lines that had been done beautifully by a wood carver. It had few flaws now._

_Flaws marred even perfect things. She thought._

_It was the same for her and Maura's relationship. She didn't know now if she was strong to do this or if she was really a coward because she was taking the easy way out._

_But it was never easy._

_She took a deep breath and tried to concentrate on what she was about to do. She was nervous. Her clammy hands, already soaked by the cold rain, were now shaking due to queasiness. She felt like her throat had gone dry._

_She could do this._

_She needed to do this._

_It was for her and Maura._

_Finally, she knocked on the door._

_With each passing second, she could feel the air entering her lithe form, but nothing could stop the cold inside, nor the swirling just near her heart. She was breathing heavily as if she was losing air from the anticipation she was feeling._

_She was dreading this._

_Jane heard Maura's voice and she stopped breathing altogether. She closed her eyes._

"_One, two, three…" She continued counting in her mind. _

_The door opened and she was met by a pajama clad Maura. She's breathtakingly beautiful whatever clothes she wear. She was like an angel went down from heaven._

_She shook her head to clear her thoughts. If was going to do it now, she had to do it without being distracted._

"_Jane!" Maura exclaimed in an excited voice. She hadn't answered any of Maura's texts or calls the whole day and was feeling guilty about it, but she has been thinking a lot and she ended up with a conclusion._

"_What we have isn't working." Jane blurted out hoarsely._

"_What are you saying Jane?" Maura asked looking confusedly at Jane._

"_W-what we have needs to end." Jane stuttered._

"_I-why? Why are you doing this Jane?" Maura asked in pain. _

"_I love you." Jane said honestly._

"_I love you too but why Jane?" Jane felt like she was sucker punched, she wanted to hold Maura but she could not. She was expecting the other woman to just slam the door in her face, but she didn't. She was just staring at Jane with pain in her pained eyes. _

_Jane never ever thought that she'd be the reason to cause those teary hazel eyes._

"_I love you that's why I am letting you go." She said._

"_Why would you let me go? I don't understand Jane." Maura said her hands were now clenched in front of her willing herself to be strong._

"_Because we are not meant for each other. You are like heaven and I am just another person from the other side of the tracks. You can't love me and I can't love you!" Jane shouted._

"_But I do love you!" Maura said softly, tears were now running down her face._

_Jane willed herself not to wipe the tears that she had caused. She had no right anymore._

"_You can't. You just can't." Jane shook her head._

"_Why are you doing this Jane?" Maura asked again._

_Jane clenched her hands inside her pockets. She wanted to tell Maura that she was sorry, that she didn't intend to say the things she was saying._

_But she needed to do this._

"_I'm sorry…" Jane said softly before turning her back to the woman she love. She quickly walked away from the carved door of Maura's house. She started to walk fast and then she realized she was already running in the rain she thought she heard Maura call her at least twice, but then she couldn't remember._

_The tears that were running down her face were blurring her vision and as she rounded the corner, she just broke down and sobbed. Her heavy breathing could heard in the middle of the night._

_She was stupid._

_She wanted to go back, run towards Maura, scoop her into her arms, and tell her that she was sorry and that she didn't intend to hurt her in any way. She loved that woman so much but she did what she had to do. She needed to choose._

_She chose pain._

* * *

'_She must really hate me.'_ Jane thought recalling that dark rainy night.

"I don't hate you Jane." Maura said. Jane was taken aback, she wasn't aware that she had said it out loud. "I can't hate you. I wanted to, but it seemed like every fiber of my being could not. After the stunt you pulled that night, I knew I should just hate you, but I didn't. Instead, I tried to find answers to what you did. But I couldn't find anything. You didn't answer any of my questions and then I saw you with Casey and I had to leave.

"You didn't have to leave you know." Jane said quietly.

"I wasn't supposed to. I was about to ask you the day after that night…" Maura paused.

They both knew what that night was.

"I was prepared to stay if you asked me to. I was prepared with what I was going to say, but I wasn't prepared for what you did that night. For the first time in my life, I felt like I was made a fool." Maura continued." Boston was your life, Jane, and I didn't want a reminder of something I'd lost. I had hoped that we could still figure things out, that you were just mistaken. That you were just having a bad day and that we could still fix it. Until I saw you with Casey.

"I—That day… that day wasn't—"

"And I thought, May

* * *

be it was the right thing to do. I realized that I could never have you fully, Jane. And I thought, I made the right decision to leave." Maura said looking away.

"Maura, you have to know, that what you saw was Casey kissing me not me kissing him. He kissed me and I never kissed him back. Do you really think I could do that? Do you really think that I would kiss someone after I… Maura, if I have to apologize to you for the rest of my life I will."

"I don't need your empty promises Jane." Maura said. "What do you really want from me?"

Jane didn't answer. She just stared at Maura's profile. It has been a long time since she was this close to the woman she believed she'd already lost for good.

But what does she really want?

Their bubble burst when Danielle woke up looking for her mom.

Maura stared at her for a couple of seconds; Jane knew she was reading her. Danielle then asked her mom if they could go home because Bass might be sad without them at home.

Jane helped them with their things while Maura carried the little girl in her arms. Before parting, Maura nodded to Jane, but Jane didn't know what to do. She wanted to hug the other woman, but she knew it was inappropriate when it was clear what they were to each other.

'_What does I really want from one Maura Dorthea Isles?' _Jane was left to ponder.

* * *

**Reviews will be really nice! Thank you!**

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	9. Chapter 9 (Interlude)

**Hello. I'm really sorry for not updating for so long! I've been really busy with work! **

**I would like to thank everyone that commented and followed and favourited! It's really appreciated. I would try to update again really soon.**

**I just want to clear something out, I had planned this story out. And yes, you don't know what I planned in the future but seriously, before jumping to conclusions please be reminded that you don't know anything yet. And if you don't want my flow, then you're free to leave. Why are you still even reading it?**

**Anyways, lovely people… this is not yet beta-d and all. So please bear with my mistakes.**

**Rizzoli and Isles is not mine!**

**Please enjoy! This is just an interlude. Maura's Pov **

* * *

_It's summer and it's raining. For Maura, the only scientific explanation to this is the global warming or the government ordered for cloud seeding and probably it's the latter because of the drought._

_And of course, precipitation. __**How can anyone forget precipitation?**__ Maura thought trying to humor herself._

_Maura already finished her nightly routine and pretty much ready to read an article or two or the entire science digest while waiting for Jane's call. Ever since Jane, her routine drastically changed from nothing to butterflies in her stomach, which until now she can't really explain what it means. She heard it from Jane but she wasn't entirely sure or how can she logically explain how one could have butterfly in their abdomen._

_Jane._

_She is the most especial thing that ever happened to Maura. She wasn't expecting anything when she entered a co-ed school. It wasn't until she heard her name being screamed by a husky voice in every corner of the school, She brushed it off at first thinking that somebody was playing at her because she was the different toy in a box of normal. It wasn't until she came across Jane Rizzoli herself._

_The girl was speechless. _

_Maura smiled at the memory and her heart fluttered at the events that traveled her mind. This wasn't an unusual occurrence for her, however, for more than two years, she thought she already got used to it but she never did. She still feels the physical sensation due to reduction of blood flow to her organ._

_Maybe that's what having butterflies in your stomach meant._

_Maura never expected to see herself falling in love with Jane. It wasn't because she was a woman but because she was the complete opposite of her. She was brash, loud, and athletic. She was everything that Maura wasn't._

_Maura was so lost in her thought that she jumped when she heard the knock on the door._

_Maura stared curiously at first before checking her watch. It's fairly early considering the time she normally sleep but it's also one hour late for Jane's call. Maura then realized that Jane haven't answer nor return her calls and messages, yet she just brushed it off thinking that the brunette got held up with work. Maura's mind zero-in that it could be Jane knocking her door and she was right. What she didn't anticipated was Jane drenched in rain._

"_Jane" she exclaimed._

_Maura's mind was reeling to the possibilities as to why Jane would be here in front of her house. Maura studied Jane during the couple of seconds when they succumb to silence. Jane was obviously in bad mood considering the swollen eyes she was harbouring and Maura's heard pounded. _

_She got anxious._

_Did something happened to Jane or her family? Was she getting a hard time working?_

_What she didn't anticipated were the words that escaped from Jane's lips._

"_What we have isn't working" Maura took noticed on the way Jane's not meeting her eyes and how she had somehow difficulty in talking. Maura blinked and thought that maybe she wasn't hearing right. So she asked what was Jane saying._

"_What we have needs to end." She stuttered. Maura felt a sting on her heart. It hurt badly._

_She couldn't understand what was happening. They just celebrated their monthsary and was about to celebrate their third anniversary in a couple of months. _

_They were happy._

_Different thoughts were running in Maura's mind. She didn't know why Jane's doing this. Why is she ruining something special._

_Maura asked what was Jane trying to say her face scrunched in confusion._

"_I love you" Jane replied and for the first time, she looked at Maura's eyes. It was an honest sentiment._

_Maura replied saying that she loved her too but she needs to know why Jane was trying to end something wonderful. Maura could feel her eyes sting and tears were trying to move past her eye sockets but she was trying to hold everything in. She couldn't cry._

_Not yet._

_Jane replied saying that she loves her but she have to let her go. _

_It was bullshit._

_Jane knew it. Maura knew it._

_Maura's hands crossed in front of her. It was a body language she knew perfectly. She was trying to protect herself but she didn't know what. All Maura knew was that she needed something to hold. She needed something that would make her feel strong in the moment of weakness._

"_Because we are not meant for each other. You are like heaven and I am just another person from the other side of the tracks. You can't love me and I can't love you." Jane shouted._

_Maura knew that the brunette was getting frustrated. She can read her perfectly but she couldn't voice out afraid that if she took notice of it, Jane would just walk away._

"_But I do love you." Maura replied her voice so soft, almost a whisper. Tears were already running down her face and she couldn't stop it from falling. _

_Jane chanted that Maura can't love her. She said she was sorry before running through the rain leaving Maura crying. Maura didn't reached out she just called Jane twice. She couldn't even run and it seems like her feet were glued on the floor. All she wanted was for someone to love her, to fight and be with her._

_Was that too much to ask?_

_Maura closed the door of her apartment and leaned. She thought that if she leaned on the door she'll be strong enough not to cry but she was wrong. The moment she her back came in contact with the door, she broke down._

_She couldn't understand why Jane was doing it. All she knew was everything hurt and she's feeling a deep loss that she never thought she'll ever feel._

* * *

_Maura knew what Jane said wasn't real. A part of her couldn't accept Jane's reason; at some point during their relationship, she and Jane talked how their status in life won't matter no matter what happen._

_So why did Jane lie to her? Is the question that had been bugging her mind._

_Maura knew something wasn't right with Jane's excuse. She couldn't look at the blonde's eyes and that troubled Maura the most. She tried calling Jane over and over after she couldn't cry anymore._

_But she never answered._

_It wasn't on the third day that devastated her the most. Two days without seeing the light of the outside world and contact with fellow homo sapiens, she decided to leave the house and confront Jane. Maura thought that two days was enough despite the constant messages and calls. She thought that it was enough for Jane to think and maybe, just maybe she'll have the explanation Maura needed._

_Jane knew that of all people Maura deserved every explanations and reasons she kept. And Maura will get it today._

_Maura went to the bathroom and stared at the mirror to convince herself that she is strong enough to do what she's ought to do. However, what she saw on the mirror almost made her throw up._

_This wasn't her._

_The woman facing her, mocking her is not her. The hint of Maura Dorthea Isles on the reflection that was staring at her was barely recognizable._

_The lady in front of her is looking at her with wild hair, grim and sullen eyes, much paler skin, and she was wearing clothes that were picked by Maura herself three nights ago. This lone figure staring at her was a reminder that everything that had happened three nights ago was real. _

_Jane indeed broke up with her._

_She wiped the tears that escaped her cornea and immediately went to the shower. Maura thought of what she's going to say to Jane._

_She haven't heard of the woman and she can't even ask Angela because Maura should've known the whereabouts of her best friend._

_Best friend._

_That's all they were ever be in front of Jane's family and the school. Jane might have said that she wasn't afraid about people judging her sexuality, it's more on the part where she just don't want people to know her business._

_Maura accepted it._

_Gone was the woman who shouted her name in the corridors of the school professing her love in front of all the people that can hear. Instead, she was replaced by someone who's hiding her from everyone. Maura never asked why, she just understand where Jane was coming from. She doesn't want to be known as the stereotyped police officer._

_So why did Jane broke up with her?_

_Those thoughts were still running in her head as she headed outside._

_She had to squint as the harsh light of the sun connected with her eyes. _

"_**So this is what waking up from hibernation felt like"**__ she thought._

_She smiled for the first time at the silly thought that entered her mind. _

_She then started walking._

_Her resolved was getting stronger with each stride. She could feel the blood pumping in her veins as she feels the adrenaline rush running through her body as she settle herself in her car._

_She will get her answers today._

_She was near Jane's house when she felt her world crumbled on her feet. There she was, the woman she loved with a man. And she was kissing her._

_Charles Jones. _

_Casey._

_The guy Maura knew Jane adored when they were younger. When she haven't met her._

_How can she compete with that?_

_There are so many questions running to Maura's brain. Something a genius like her can't really comprehend._

_Emotions._

_This is why she never deal with emotions. This is the reason why she loved her solitary. Why did Jane had to break her walls and leave her on the ruins of it? If Jane… if Jane did love her, why did she do that? She could've told Maura her real reasons. _

_How long had they been together?_

_Is this the reason why Jane wanted to keep Maura from everyone else?_

_She will never know._

_Tears were flowing freely from her eyes and she didn't even bother to hide it at all. She could no longer look at the pair just couple of meters away from her. And just as she wiped her tears, and just as she look at them again, for the last time, she saw Jane's dimpled smile._

_A smile that was reserved for her._

_Or she thought reserved for her._

_Fresh tears overwhelmed her eyes. She could no longer drive as much she wanted to go away._

_**I need you.**__ She texted with tears falling on her mobile._

_Immediately her phone rings._

"_I-I need you." She said with hoarse voice._

"_Where are you?" a worry filled voice of Ian respond. He had been trying to contact Maura for three days. He knew something was wrong but he also knew that Maura wouldn't tell her unless she really wanted to. So, he gave her space._

_Maura told Ian where she was and it was a good thing that he was just fifteen minutes away from where she was._

_Fifteen minutes later, a knock on her window was heard and there he was. He was looking at her with sad eyes. This is the first time that he saw her looking as if the fight in her was gone._

_Maura opened the door and immediately a sob erupted from her throat._

_Ian didn't know what to do, instead, he engulfed her in a warm embrace. He slowly, ushered her to the other side of the car._

_As he entered the car, he noticed the street they were in and immediately, he knew the problem._

_Jane._

_And he felt his blood boil at the thought of Jane hurting his bestfriend, however, he couldn't comprehend the idea of Jane hurting Maura. Jane loves her so much and even someone from the other side of the world can see it._

_So why?_

_Ian shook his head and looked at Maura who already stopped crying and was just leaning on the window, looking outside with blank eyes._

_He took her home in his apartment because he knew that if he took Maura on hers, she'll be overwhelmed by the memories that were etched on that place._

_It was once hers and Jane's solace._

_They didn't talk. Instead Maura went to his kitchen and grabbed some wine. Ian knew it was wrong for her to succumb to liquor but he didn't have the heart to stop her. She didn't talked and it worried him so much. As much as he wanted to comfort her, Ian knew how Maura's brain works. She is not a hugger when she's upset._

_At some point during their wine drinking session, Maura excused herself._

_Ian knew that she was inebriated. She was a lightweight after all._

_Maura went to Ian's room to make a call._

_She was hoping that for the last time she'll be able to talk to her and get answer to her questions._

_One ring turns to three, then voice mail._

"_I do not know if you will ever answer my call. I wish I can hate you. You walk away and leave without ever looking back but did you ever stop and think I perhaps deserve an explanation? I really wish I can hate you right now. It hurts Jane. And I never thought you of all people would inflict pain to me… but I guess I was wrong. I will always love you Jane. Even if you won't."_

_Maura ended the call and cried once more._

_It wasn't after a thirty minutes that Ian entered his room. He sat beside her and looked over the window._

"_Do you want to talk about it?" Ian asked._

_Maura shook her head._

"_I am going to Paris." Maura said._

* * *

In the stillness of her solace, Maura rekindled the heartbreak she experienced. The wounds that she thought was healed opened with her talk with the detective.

"I know what I want from you."

A voice startled her.

A voice she didn't know she was waiting to hear for four weeks.

* * *

**Again, i apologize for my mistakes and reviews are greatly appreciated. thank you for reading!**


	10. Chapter 10

**hi! i know it has been a couple of months since I updated and i guess saying that life caught up will be a cliche. Anyways, can i just say "shit happens?" I guess that is the most plausible answer i can give to you.**

**I was used to writing one shots and never planned on writing a full fanfiction. It wasn't because I can't write it was just i had no time. when I first wrote this fic, i didn't intend it to be really long. I was hoping to finish it as one shot or up to 3 chapters. Then I started reading Tess G's "Body Double" I saw an out. I saw inspiration to write again. **

**I have received amazing reviews on this fic and there are harsh words thrown in my direction as well. It wasn't I didn't mind it. I take it all in and process. It was just, I am writing this fic the way I see it progress. I see it in a way that you'll get your answers. **

**Anyway, ****I'll be back soon guys. **

**and i'm just going to ask one thing.**

**Just trust me in this one.. I know what I am doing. **

**all the love,**

**J**


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